I Hate First Dates

I am not a surface-level kinda girl. If you couldn’t tell by the name of this blog, I love understanding people for who they are as humans, including the good, bad, and ugly. I think one of the best parts of humanity is that we all collectively can agree that there’s some pretty great and pretty shitty parts of life, and when we can connect over those, it makes it just that much more special. Most of my closest friends are people who I was able to click with on a deep level pretty quickly — if I can’t rant with you about the absurdity of capitalism and expecting people to use their precious eighty or so years preparing to work, working, and then finally living, then I don’t know if there’s going to be much more conversation between us. And I don’t mean that in a rude way, it’s just that I can’t ever hold a conversation if it’s surface level; it’s like my brain goes completely blank. You ask me, “How’s school?” and I ask you, “What are your thoughts on having kids in this economy?” — do you see my dilemma?

So when it comes to first dates, I kind of hate them. When you’re meeting someone on a first date, you typically only know the surface level stuff — in my case: what are you doing in Prague, where are you from, what are you studying/do you do for work, what do you like to do for fun. If I’m lucky, I can squeeze in a “who did you vote for in the last election?” (if they’re American). It’s just so awkward to me. Oftentimes I don’t feel enough of a connection to go on a second date. Maybe it’s my Pisces sun, but I need to connect with people on a deeper level. I understand that this is different for everyone, and I’m not saying I want to trauma-dump with someone on the first date, but I want to know more than how many siblings you have. What did your older siblings teach you growing up? Do you think your personality is closer to one of your parents? What traditions does your family have? I think a lot of it comes down to emotional availability, and sometimes it’s something a little deeper, like emotional guards being put up. I get that, and I never want to push someone out of their comfort zone, especially when we’re still going from strangers to acquaintances.

If I do connect with someone on a first date and we continue texting, it can be hard not to create false expectations of them. Something I’ve experienced a few times now is having a really great few days of texting with someone, having a great first date with strong, open conversation, having a few more days of good conversation, and then the conversation goes dry. I’ve spoken to a few friends about this, and many women have experienced this with men. I think part of it is the chase; once a guy knows you do like him and his company, they stop putting in the effort. It almost seems like they put on a front, and it’s hard to know then if the person you had a great date was even the authentic version of them. Not every person is like this after a first date, but it's frustrating that I know so many people who have experienced this. Dating in 2023 is so. freaking. hard. because we have the physical and digital aspect of a relationship to consider.

I saw a TikTok the other day that was describing dating in our current digital world, and there’s one phrase that really stuck out to me.

Don’t create a false sense of intimacy through texting.

This is so absurdly true, because it’s easy to get attached to someone if you click really well with them from the first interaction. Part of it is because it’s so rare to have that connection with someone that you want to latch on. The temporal aspect of communication often changes the dynamic of a conversation, because it’s often not immediate back and forth. I’ve heard researchers explain the dopamine hit we get from notifications — every time we see a notification pop up on our phone, we get a tiny boost of dopamine, and there’s a letdown if the notification is not from who we want it to be from. This false sense of intimacy causes so many dating dilemmas, because it’s really hard to know if the other person is on the same page as you. Digital and asynchronous interactions don’t provide closeness in the same sense that a coffee shop conversation would.

Physical intimacy can be confusing to navigate, too. Over the past few years, my perspective on sex has changed, and I think in general society is trying to destigmatize it as well. I don’t have judgement if you never want to have sex, if you’ve only slept with one person your whole life, or if you’ve slept with fifty people. As long as you’re safe and considerate of your partner (and getting consent every time) I think sex is a normal aspect of life. But when it comes to dating, if you do sleep with someone early in a relationship, it can be really difficult to determine if it will change your dating dynamic. Determining if sex was the only thing someone wanted from you makes dating difficult to navigate. There are a lot of very honest people who say upfront that they aren’t looking for a relationship, just “good sex and good conversation.” But there are also people who don’t know or don’t want to disclaim. When you have a really great first and maybe second or third date with these people but maybe you haven’t yet had that “what is this/where is this going/where do you want this to go” conversation with — it can be so hard to know if your physical relationship is going to change the dynamic of your emotional one.

I know that our patriarchal society also contributes to this a lot. A lot of things are expected of men when they date, and the pressure from other men to “tap that” is extremely toxic. I know there are a lot of men who try to do dating the right way, but our heteronormative society combats that constantly. I’m not saying queer relationships are any easier, because they’re simultaneously resisting societal norms and navigating their identity both in general and in a relationship. Honestly, I don’t think dating in any relationship type is easy, and a lot of this is because we don’t have a right or wrong way to do it since digital intimacy was created. You can’t exactly say that dating was so much better in 100-200 years ago, either. There’s never been an ideal way to date, especially in a changing society.

I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to date on my own terms, and I know I have so much time to meet someone who makes all of the bad first dates worth it. If you’re reading this and you’re also navigating dating in your 20s right now, try to show each other grace and to open up to others. I know being vulnerable can be scary, but remember that the other person might be feeling the same way, and try to connect over that.

So when I say I hate first dates, I mean it in the sense that it’s really hard getting to know a person, transitioning from stranger to friend, and then having them go back to a stranger in your life. Because if you ever see that person on the street, you know that their younger sister would have finished high school by now and you want to ask what university they chose, but you don’t know that person anymore. If you do get past the awkwardness of a first date, that “date” becomes a person, and that person becomes relevant to you, even if just for a moment.