It’s Not You, It’s Me
A particularly annoying phrase, but given the context it typically holds some accuracy. We always think about this phrase in regard to breakups, often rolling our eyes, skeptical that this isn’t just a cop-out. Because sometimes it is. But other times, as much as we don’t want to hear it, it’s the most honest truth someone could give us.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given is “It’s not all about you.” It felt like a gut punch, truly revealing my own self-obsession. Often, we think other people react to us. We consider their comment on our outfit, if they smile at us in passing, the tone in which they respond to our text. If it feels different in any way, we worry. We worry that they’re mad at us, that we did something to offend them, that they’re sick of us, that they never liked us. Obviously if you’re an anxious person this is tenfold, and it can be hard to separate our anxiety from the situation. Now, let me raise you this — did you stop and wonder if they’re having a bad day? If they fought with someone they love this morning? If they received bad news or a bad grade? If they’re having a hard time? We always immediately revert to “what did I do to offend them?,” but we don’t always consider “is there anything going on in their life that might affect the way they’re acting right now?”
This isn’t meant to make you feel bad, and it’s something I would bet most of us do unconsciously at this point. Our lives revolve around ourselves, because everything we do is to sustain ourselves. Even our friendships fulfill the ‘Love and Belonging’ tier on our hierarchy of needs. It’s completely natural to consider how we are affecting another person, which is why it’s important to consider how another person’s life is affecting them.
Take a second and separate yourself from the equation. My mom used to say, “It’s not all about you.” While I know this is a bit blunt, sometimes you need someone to look you in the eye and tell you to take a step back. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be conscious of if you upset someone, because from time to time you will, but more often, people are projecting. We’re projecting our anger at our parents onto you, our frustration about a bad test, our tiredness, our stress, our burnout. If you open up Instagram or TikTok and look through a comment section, all of the negative comments are projection. People don’t always have an outlet to let out their frustration, and while it’s not healthy to instead take it out on others, it often shows up in that way. I spent my later teenage years being so mean to my family. I was angry at school, at my friends, at the world, at my impending adulthood, and because I didn’t have a healthy outlet to express this anger (cough, cough, therapy), I took it out on my parents. They didn’t deserve this, and our relationship has improved since then, but because of this experience, I now understand that I was projecting all of my frustrations out on them but making it seem like I was upset at something else. The thing is, they’ve done it to me, too. We all do it to each other, whether consciously or unconsciously.
I heard on a podcast recently that we take our anger out on the people we love most because we know that they won’t leave us. For me, this was my parents. For a lot of us, it’s our partners or our friends. For people on the internet, they don’t have to worry about someone leaving them, because they’re “anonymous.” So many arguments stem from hurt people hurting people. When I’m sad or angry, all I want to do is isolate myself, and when people try to be there for me, I lash out at them and tell myself it’s annoying. It’s not, but that’s what comes from these big emotions. I have friends who are just as anxious as I am, and when either of us are having a bad day and we express it upon the other, we take it personally. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not usually ever mad at them, but to them it feels like I am (and vice versa).
I feel a bit like I’m going in circles here, but I’ve been ruminating on this for a few weeks, and the other day I randomly connected it to the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s age-old for a reason. Even if you know that someone is using it as an excuse to break up with you, I think it’s relevant to say that they’re not entirely lying. Whatever issue they have with you is a them-issue. Either they aren’t emotionally in a place to handle things, or they’re going through a hard time, or they can’t commit. The pattern here is that it’s a THEM issue. You know when a person says “I just can’t give you what you want right now?” It’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Whatever you’re doing isn’t going to change their mind or fix them, and it’s not even a you problem at all. Sometimes the most excuse-ridden expressions are actually the most honest. Maybe they can give you what you want, but they don’t want to, and that’s a reason in itself. When I realized this person I was talking to was actually not someone I wanted to pursue anything further with, I told them, “I just don’t think I want anything right now.” It wasn’t about them, it was about me realizing that I personally was not receiving an effort that matched my standards. To another person, their actions may be perfect. To me, they were not, which is why it was a me issue.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all tend to get so caught up in our daily lives, emotions, and problems that we don’t always remember that everyone around us is doing the exact same thing. When someone acts snippy towards you, before you react, take a second to consider the context. Think back to what you know about their life recently, and try to connect if their actions align with that, or with something you may have done to upset them. I’m willing to bet it’s the former. When I’m mad in the morning, it’s not because someone is talking to me, it’s because I need time to fully wake up and start processing the world around me and I tend to get overwhelmed if someone starts a conversation too early. It’s not you, it’s me. Give yourself a little bit of grace — unless you did something that you know would upset someone, why would they be mad at you? I know it’s easier said than done, but take a step back and give yourself and others time to process what’s going on around us. There are a thousand little things on a person’s mind every day, and we don’t always know how to express that to one another. As someone who too often projects onto others and is projected onto, I know that things are usually a lot more complex than they seem at surface level. I’m writing this because it’s something I’ve actively needed to remind myself recently, and I’m guessing someone else might need to hear it, too.
Sonder — “n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own - populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness - an epic story that continues invisibly around you…” - John Koenig, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
Just a little reminder :)
