November 18th

Excerpt from my journal — November 18th, 2022:

Right now I’m thinking about New Years, and I’m not exactly sure why. I saw a post the other day basically saying you don’t have to wait until New Years to change something, and you don’t have to be obligated to change anything just because it’s New Years. I remember I used to feed into that when I was younger. I would also do that with a new school year. How did that actually turn out for you, Chloe? I think it’s on my mind a lot right now because I keep getting reminders of where I was a year ago. Thinking back, I was so lost and unsure, but looking at pictures I know there were happy moments in there. It’s the same thing with high school, too. I feel like I continuously put this pressure on myself to have everything figured out. Even now, I keep saying, “I just want 1 normal semester.” But then I look back at a year ago and even though it sucked, I did have good times. I know I’m in a much better place now than I was then, too. I guess I also can’t think of anything big I would want to change for New Years. Yes, I want to start moving my body more, and I want to explore cooking more, and I want to work on my confidence, and focus on the little things, the small moments that make life so worth it, but why should I wait until New Years? Or, why can’t I start any of those things in March, or June, or even September? I guess I can, and nobody’s stopping or controlling me, because I’m an adult. Also, nobody even knows I want to do those things because they’re not in my brain. I don’t know why I overthink everything. Especially decisions, because, like, there’s no way I would know the difference.

I’m going to France on Thursday, and I guess I’m hoping for some mental clarity. I keep saying the sea will heal me, like that one scene in ‘Little Women’. I’ve been so anxious lately, and it’s because I want to know the consequences of my choices so badly. I want to know what decision to make, so I can shape my life. But, okay, if you told 18-year-old pre-graduation me that by 20 she would move to Europe, hate it, move home, leave her childhood home, live with her parents again for 8 months, move back to Europe, live in her own apartment, then contemplate transferring AGAIN? She would think I’m a mess. And maybe I am, but who isn’t? My friend keeps telling me to stop psychoanalyzing people, and I know she makes a valid point. It’s just, I know how complex I am, and how detailed and just crazy my life has been, but I also know that most people don’t know my past, so they have no idea what combination of events created the Chloe we now see. I want to know that about other people. Like, people have told me since moving here that they assume I would’ve been the popular girl in high school, and I know that if 16-year-old Chloe knew people would look at her and think she was popular, she would be happy. But, that’s also where my identity crisis keeps coming in, because I don’t know how I want to be perceived, but I also can’t control that. If someone’s going to look at me and assume something, I can’t control that because I do the exact same thing. In a way, I guess I’m happy that I have a few loving humans in my corner who took the time to see me beyond their first perception. I have enough shit to worry about that’s much more important than other people’s first opinions. I think the only perception I care about is if I ever offended or hurt someone. I know I can be bitchy and jealous, but I don’t like being mean. And I don’t want to put myself on a high horse, but seriously, all I can control is my actions towards others. I recently had an experience where I forced myself to be honest and communicate my needs and feelings, and while I was disappointed in the end, I know that I protected myself from worse pain in the long run, so I guess I’m proud of myself. I keep worrying that I’m never enough for other people because I’ve had people just straight up leave, but what about other people being enough for me? I recognized that I always mold myself to the other person in a relationship and make excuses for their actions. So, if I am aware of that, why was I trying to allow it again? One of my friends told me that in her last relationship, she had to put her respect for herself over her feelings, so that’s going to be my new motto. I remember you, 16-year-old Chloe who would just accept actions and cry in private. You didn’t respect yourself, because you didn’t think you deserved it. I am so proud of you, though, because you picked yourself back up and took me to where I am now. So, thank you. I think as I inch closer to 20 (which I am fully aware is still young, but also it’s a new era), I keep thinking back to younger me. I guess that’s always going to be the beauty of getting older. I don’t think I’ll ever fully regret something because even if I don’t love the decisions I made in the past, that Chloe has become me, and I appreciate that. <3

So, I wrote this a year ago today (when you’re reading this, a year ago yesterday). I was looking through my journal to get inspiration or an excerpt for this week’s blog post, and the first time I ever journaled was on November 18, 2022, which is what you see above. I audibly gasped looking at the date entry, because I had no idea that was the first time I journaled, nor that it would be something that resonates so well with the topic of SonderlyBlog. As you read, I very much brain-dumped, and the topics went back and forth, more of a rant than a cohesive entry. I had to separate it into paragraphs for clarity, because it was beginning to turn into one big brain blob. I don’t really remember writing this, but I do remember the time frame I wrote it in and the many emotions I was feeling at that time. It’s funny to read, because I feel like I am so much less anxious about those things now (and more anxious about other things).

I wanted to share this because, partially because 19-year-old me was dreaming up SonderlyBlog before it even existed.

(I know how complex I am, and how detailed and just crazy my life has been, but I also know that most people don’t know my past, so they have no idea what combination of events created the Chloe we now see. I want to know that about other people.)

This is exactly how I want to be able to explain sonder to people if they ask. I want to know people and their stories so that I can better understand them and this life we’re all living. As you can see, I reflect a lot on my life, on the people in it, the choices I’ve made and will make, and on the complexity of humanity. I haven’t journaled in a while, mostly because this blog acts as a digital journal for me, but it’s quite cathartic to be able to look back on what I wrote a year ago and recognize my own growth. Hopefully I’m reading this blog post on November 18, 2024, smiling over this year’s brain dump.